Sunday, July 16, 2017
Too broke for me (and 22 reasons why black women are single)
Secondly, there are stats that arguably suggest the question needs to be asked: according to blackdemographics.com,"48% of Black women have NEVER been married while 46% of ‘all women’ are CURRENTLY married; 26% of Black women are currently married; and while Black women are less likely to be separated from their spouses they are much more likely to be divorced (13%) compared to 3 percent of all women."
If you let the streets tell it, we are too loud, too independent, too picky, too everything to be rewarded with the gift of a relationship. ("...and that's why YOU single!")
I can only speak for myself tho. Never will I ever to be the spokesperson for the women of Black America. But I'd make a decent correspondent, trust. There are several reasons I am still single and here is the most recent one:
So former fave bae -- who turned into fave bae but is back to former fave bae (sorry you have to follow my Facebook page to get any of this!) -- is off my dating rotation list for good. Just don't know how to tell dude yet and he keeps "checking in" via text. Why tho? :/
We finally talked about the "come to my house" mess from last week, when after meeting offline for the first time on July 4th, he had to abruptly leave the dayparty but later invited me to his house. Hashtag fireworks, I thought. But while it wasn't about anything physical at all, it was about being broke. Or at the very least, being broke with me. How does an adult not bring enough cash or a credit card on a first date?
Yet he bailed his brother out of jail last week, and before our second date started on yesterday (I know...why?!) he "had" to lend him more money. So guess where we went before heading out to Concord for a beer tasting?
But he's too broke to take ME somewhere nice. And it was I who had to plan the second date, because not only is he too broke with me, his Googles 'n shit is broken.
Anyway, when we got to the brewery -- a nice, budget-friendly outing -- he seemed to be so shocked that we and another black couple were the only POCs in the building. And he talked a whole bunch of nothing, about nothing!
Although I'm not a big beer drinker, the actual tasting was cool. They just give you the beer -- choose four from their extensive list -- and leave you alone. He talked about basic shit most of the time, which at first was okay, since I was getting tipsy for some reason by the third beer. But when I got home I felt cheated because his azz isn't broke at all. He's just broke when it comes to me. And too lazy to find a way to impress me without my help.
Therefore, he is too broke for me. A fixer's dream though, with his fine azz and sense of humor. At least he will keep you laughing while running your pockets in the name of "ride or die".
He is probably used to some "females" who pay for everything while he literally bails out his brother -- who I finally met yesterday after the date, because my bladder is not loyal...and so I had to use the little girl's room at the aunt's house (wow, bladder). Bruh is not as little as the date made him out to be, unless the later-30s-early-40s age bracket is considered little these days. Looking like he fake bounces (you know the type...the mofo who talks to patrons like he OWNS the venue) on weekends at what used to be Club Tempo.
Welp, why are the other BW single?
So I wanted to hear from black women. From various backgrounds and demographics, and different views -- not only do we not look the same; we do not all think the same either. From the sarcastic responses (mostly from me lol), to the "things that make you go hmmm", to the MESSAGE!, single ladies of color have settled the questioning once and for all (so stop asking us, thanks, management):
1. "I choose to be, until the right one comes along." Fair enough.
2. "No one has loved me the way I require." Now an effboy would accuse her of being "high maintenance", but eff effboys.
3. "None of the men who date me desire to be married, and those who do desire marriage do not desire such with me." This answer saddens me a bit as I have been there three times: with my daughter's father, the ex-fiancee who sort of helped launched SAH, and the mofo who got married while we were in a relationship. But, for some reason we must not give up on love, and when y'all find the reason as to why, let us know, please!
4. "The right man for me has not been sent to me." Arguably, this is one of the best reasons. But only if one is cognizant of what He has sent, perhaps in the form of a 5'5-er or some other attribute most women don't prefer. Just sayin'.
5."I'm careful not to make the same mistake twice." Another response that earned the frowning emoji, because it implies that all men are the same and I refuse to believe that. In fact, my next post should be a highlight of good men I know (most are married though...I sawry, y'all).
6. "I am focused on becoming the woman that I want to be, first and foremost. Once I am fully committed to her, I will be open to committing to someone else." Yes, ma'am. I usually thrive better while single...clearly I need to handle my biz-na-yee first.
7."I am single because my career is more important. I don't want to deal with someone else's issues. My children and I are enough. I have no desire to be in a relationship. I am whole." Remember what I wrote about #message? Elona L. Washington, author, sexual abuse activist and one of the very few unrelated women I consider fam, was so dope with this response. She gave me five-in-one, yet they all tie in together somehow, so I'm calling this the lucky-seven answer. Get into Elona here.
8. "I am still working on stuff for me and I don't want to be dickmatized into something that ain't real." Ha ha! This could have been written by me but it wasn't, I swear. I know the vets remember Cocainedick, yes? No, I never thought we were in love but the good looks, nice house, big peen and skillset to match, and a relationship-like experience -- he either made dinner before or fixed full breakfast after he made me kumbaya! -- had me turning down other dates like I had a husband.
I have to pause for a moment of silence. Wayment.
9. "I am still working through making better choices in regards to relationships." Fair enough. I am a work in progress as well...
10."I am single because it took me 43 years to find me and three years to fall in love with me...I will never lose myself again!" Pass the collection plate. Nope, don't need change this time.
11. "I have standards." I feel another effboy hovering over the laptop, tallin'bout "she high maintenance". Get thee behind me, Satan!
12. "Because now that I realize my worth, I choose to wait on God and while I'm waiting, I'm working on being the best me mentally, physically and spiritually." Yes!!! Not only is she waiting, she is taking action on other SAH aspects. Love this chick and I don't even know her.
13. "I am single because I didn't love myself enough before to choose suitable mates." Now, I have heard that men can sense low self-esteem in women. Damn.
14. "I am single because life is more peaceful that way." I know plenty of forever-single women, and yo, I get it.
14.a. "I am single because I refuse to take shit." Enter them effboys, again.
14.b. "I am single because I refuse to settle for "Netflix and Chill" as a date. (Kudos to Erika C, longtime SAH supporter, for providing three real-ass answers!)
17 (technically 15, but it's my blog and I number 'em how I want to!). "I don't like anyone?" The introvert in me is like, yasssss!
18. "I refuse to allow myself to settle. I refuse to allow a man to give me anything and I'm supposed to just "accept" it because I am a single woman with children." I refuse to disagree. #whereisthelie
19. "I don't want to be married just to say that I'm married." Hmp. How many people do you know wrapped in matrimony that's more about saving face, than supporting holiness?
Remember those "sarcastic" answers I'd warned you about earlier? Yes, the remaining three are mine. I wouldn't dare pin these on anyone else. SMH
20. Because men want sex on the second date, but a commitment is "too soon". This is in response to the intentions of several Plenty of Fish daters.
21. I believe if you are separated you are still married. Y'all know I have always felt this way.
22. I am simply not attracted to married men. Or at least, the ones I know of. Don't believe me, just click.
Update: Yes, I know. The story about yesterday's date means I have 23 reasons, not 22. Whatever.
TyLand at 3:48 PM