7 reasons you will still be single and unhappy this year

8:41 AM

One more "boo season" is soon to reach it's peak, when the world celebrates love on Valentine's Day. Before we know it, a new season will begin right around November, when visions of cuddling by a fireplace dance in our heads. Even without thinking too much about it, you cannot help feeling more alone than ever during this time of year. And vowing that your status in 2017 will be different is nothing more than powerless words. There are many reasons why you will still roll solo this year. Self, above all else, plays a major role. Do you see yourself in the following, or nah?

You attend too many girls' nights. There is nothing wrong with sisterhood. But who are they going home to when the last bottle of Merlot empties? More importantly. who do you go home to? These hen parties are male repellents disguised as a good time. And be honest, ladies: you don't even like everyone in the group anyway! Someone always brings a co-worker or cousin from out of town. You don't know her, (insert Mariah Carey here!) so you don't like her. Even if you can muster a cordial conversation, that still doesn't help your single-and-looking status because, men ain't checking for your posse.

You follow Steve Harvey's rules. I harbor nothing necessarily against Steve. He is a comedian-turned-A-lister who hasn't really hurt anyone in the process. And by anyone, I mean those of us who take his love advice with a grain of seasoned salt. The rest of you are in trouble if you take what dude says as the gospel according to Stevus Christ. For example, do you really think waiting 90 days before having sex with someone you WANT banging you out makes sense? And don't say "it's the right way', because us Preacher's Kids don't recall reading any Bible verses about a three-month sexing rule. (I'm not suggesting one-night stands, or even doing it after two or three dates, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do you, either.)

You are waiting for Mr. Right. Are you a perfectionist? First of all, you make me sick. Secondly, what does your Mr. Wonderful even look like against this screwed-up world? Does he work hard? Great. This means you will only see him when he is off work...tired...and horny of course. Is he in tip-top shape? Cool, but he will nitpick the entire fuck out of your plate from Pinky's. Eat what you want and the real right man will deal with it, in love.

You gave match.com three tries. Your one chance at online dating expanded to three last year -- because you've heard so-and-so met online -- so now you're done, yes? Throughout the country folks relocate, honey, yes?! And chances are if you live in or near a major city, you will miss meeting someone special 'n shit because you took down your profile a week before they moved near your neck of the woods.

You won't "do that". No, I don't mean give head. But, give head! Try something different for once. And send pics. And go out alone and flirt first in the DMs. (If I have to explain that you don't have to literally take all my advice -- or any of it at all! -- you are reading the wrong blog.)

You talk too much. Don't call it constructive criticism, call it instructive. I instruct you to shut the hell up about your kids, your job and your rules when it comes to first dates. You're probably a cool-ass chick but a stranger wouldn't know this if you've given him too much to chew on at dinner.

You keep putting time in at the "old job". The benefits suck. The work load is unevenly delegated. There is no future in it. Just leave that situationship already, girl!

I shall now sit and await the next round of whining from the lonely community...

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