You ain't Barack, n*gga!

8:35 PM


Well, my DNC plans have been derailed by the rain. I was 'sposed to spend all day Thursday networking and plugging my upcoming book, Single and Happy in Charlotte: Nothing Like a Writer Scorned, which drops Valentine's Day supporting the Dems at Bank of America Stadium on tomorrow, but we are expecting yet another downpour this week, and I know I'm natural so I can get my hair wet, but I ain't trying to be out there like that. *chants U-S-A*

So here I am. Here to get you up to speed with a few of the DNC follies I've captured so far:

Craigslust.
Gotta love CL for its consistent whoring, yes? I told ya, the C in DNC stands for coochie:

(Click to enlarge. Please leave this blog now and visit Wikipedia, if you don't know the current Secretary of State as requested in the ad.)

FLOTUS did her thing last night, but she has y'all delusional dudes going nuts throughout social media. Now y'all want a Michelle, too, like you wanted a Jada. Say word! Now you're entitled to a working-out, non-bad-hair-day-having, devoted mom who'd speak words similar to these, from last night's speech? Boy, bye:

“He’s the same man who started his career by turning down high-paying jobs and instead working in struggling neighborhoods where a steel plant had shut down, fighting to rebuild those communities and get folks back to work – because for Barack, success isn’t about how much money you make, it’s about the difference you make in people’s lives.” ~ Michelle Obama, describing how the President, and her husband, is the same man she met years ago.

It's nice to have wants and great to share desires, especially when it comes to finding a Michelle, but there is one thing you have failed to mention: You ain't Barack, n*gga.

(Or Will, for that matter.)

Funny but I see this in online dating of all places. No, not all dudes are saying they want a Michelle per se, but men expect so much these days -- qualities in which a Michelle-like woman has developed for years -- from a total stranger in a mere matter of weeks! I know I'm getting old but I'm not about to rush into something for a dude to get mad at, cheat on or leave me, because I'm not Michelle enough for him.

Especially when most men ain't nowhere near Barack enough for women to begin with...

But don't take my word for it, take my little test to see if you have potential or HO-tential (which is where some dudes are most comfortable at in the first place, ex: DNCoochie):

How important is money to you on a scale of 1-5, 1 being not at all? minus 5 points if you chose anything past 3.

Are you prepared to spend years in the trenches before having a slight possibility of success? minus 2 points if you say no, minus 5 if you don't know what "trenches" are.

Do you believe in the sanctity of marriage? Not scoring a "wifey", but finding a wife. minus 5 points if you don't know the difference.

If you "blew up" did you leave your wife or long-term woman? Just quit playing now, if you've answered yes.

Do you take care of your children? *crickets*

Don't worry about the scores if you've answered "no" either of the last two questions.

Okay so some of you might not deserve a Michelle...how about a Joseline Hernandez instead? Hey, at least you already know she'll only love you for your sex and your money. And it's already been confirmed...she's all woman. *cues the crickets*

In other DNC news it appears that all the volunteers *raises hands* who have been de-credentialized will now find a watch party for tomorrow night's DNC finale. This means moving "forward" will take on a new meaning after a few drinks. (His name is Earl.)

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