Candycocainedick: you already know where this post is going...

9:41 AM

(The following is not safe for everyone's eyes...just pray for me!)

Santa says "ho ho ho", and to that I say I've been called worse. Much worse. (That's partly the reason why I'm single and happy today, by the way...words do hurt, yo.) But the term "liar liar pants on fire" does come to mind, striking a chord with me this morning, as I try to go back to sleep. I forgot to mute the darn phone and was awaken to the sounds of text alerts. Since 6 a.m. Including an invitation to dinner and dancing this Friday, where I'll have to spanx my way into this new form-fitting black sweater dress. Yay me.

Why didn't I mute the phone mane? My personal caroling for the holiday...even the iPhone has more holiday spirit than me...

Back to why I'm a liar. Remember that thing I wrote in my SAH column, the part about going celibate? Well...hey! I don't recall stating when that was supposed to go down. Speaking of going down...*grinch grin*

So Kim K's wedding lasted longer than my celibacy. Not only that, the last person in Charlotte I need to be with has made his way back between my thighs. Apparently he is the only one who can find my mistletoe this season.

*Begin cough* Cocainedick (I swear my phone just auto texted "Cocainedick"!!!) *end cough* is back in my single world. And he is back with a vengeance. Back to not only pick up where we left off, but with more. More stamina, more passion, more kissing...everywhere! Tis the season for giving out multiple orgasms, yes?

One more play on Christmas carols: Joy to the coochie. ( I am sooo wrong for that one!)

And like Santa is predictable with his blindin' red suit, a thick white beard and the delusional story of how he is the one responsible for the new toys, CD is equally as predictable. He still talks me to death. In between watching movies. In between my beauty rest (by now y'all know I'm not a morning person, sans the waking up to morning sex of course!). In between Cook-Out banana milkshakes. In between football...argh! Shut up and make better use of that country mouth of yours!

So like most junkies who claim to have kicked their shameful habits, I haven't missed a beat. It was so easy to get back what I have been addicted to for weeks...no...what...for months now? My name is ____ and I'm a coke dick addict. Happy holidays...

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